Smith: “We meet all our goals”
South African cricket captain, Graeme Smith, says that he is proud of his team and the manner in which they choked again during the ICC Champions Trophy being held in South Africa.
“You have to say that we are up there with the world’s best chokers, if not the best,” a beaming Smith said of his team’s early exit at the hands of a very ordinary English team.
“We can certainly be mentioned in the same breath as The All Blacks, St George, Greg Norman, Jana Novotna and Jean Van de Velde. We have kept -up the proteas proud tradition of choking when it counts, and in fact bettered it by losing to England.”
South Africa very nearly didn’t choke in the 1999 Cricket World when they drew with eventual champions Australia in the semi Final. Chief choker on the day, veteran speedster Alan Donald, would later say
“I thought about running but decided to choke instead.”
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Friday, 11 September 2009
Eduardo : My Idol
Young British diving sensation Tom Daley has revealed in an interview that his idol is Arsenal and Croatia striker Eduardo. Tom, 14, who shot to fame with a stunning diving display to win gold at the recent FINA world champs in Rome, said ‘Arsenal has always been my team, but now I absolutely love them. Eduardo inspires me to get out of bed everyday to practise, so that I too, can become the complete diver’
Daley’s father, who is also his coach, added ‘Eduardo shows the technique of a pure genius, we will be watching him closely this season for some tips to ensure Tom stays at the top of the diving game’
Daley’s father, who is also his coach, added ‘Eduardo shows the technique of a pure genius, we will be watching him closely this season for some tips to ensure Tom stays at the top of the diving game’
Monday, 7 September 2009
Motor Sports
F1 race takes place ‘somewhere or other’
Unconfirmed rumours are emerging that a Formula 1 motor vehicle race took place “somewhere or other” over the past week.
At this stage it is uncertain where exactly in the world the “race” took, or even if it did in fact take place, but reports suggest that motor vehicles were driven round and round a track and that someone or other “won the race.”
At this stage there are no confirmed overtaking manoeuvres or fatalities.
One man who could shed some light on the story is suspected F1 driver, Mark Webber, denies any knowledge of the race, or even how to drive.
“I was at home last weekend when this so called race occurred, my wife will confirm. In fact I was mowing the lawn until my Red Bull mower broke down five meters from the end.”
Unconfirmed rumours are emerging that a Formula 1 motor vehicle race took place “somewhere or other” over the past week.
At this stage it is uncertain where exactly in the world the “race” took, or even if it did in fact take place, but reports suggest that motor vehicles were driven round and round a track and that someone or other “won the race.”
At this stage there are no confirmed overtaking manoeuvres or fatalities.
One man who could shed some light on the story is suspected F1 driver, Mark Webber, denies any knowledge of the race, or even how to drive.
“I was at home last weekend when this so called race occurred, my wife will confirm. In fact I was mowing the lawn until my Red Bull mower broke down five meters from the end.”
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Irish International Opens Footie Academy
Irish International and Manchester United stalwart John O Shea has set up a football academy for kids that never get picked at school five-a-sides. At the opening O Shea stated “I’ve set this up for the kids that look up to me. I’m a role model for these kids. I’ve sat on the bench at the biggest club in the world and continue to do so and I am happy, hopefully this academy shows these kids happiness can be found on the bench”
At the star studded opening O Shea was joined by football pal and bench sitter Ade Akinbiyi. Ade profoundly claimed “There is an art to sitting on the bench. You have to sit for 90mins every Saturday and look interested. That’s why John earns the big squids, I’m in awe of him myself, and hopefully it’ll rub off on the kids”
Chubby five year Charlie Wilson was ecstatic to earn his place at the academy. Charlie speaking through his West Ham Fan Dad Charlie Snr Stated “I’m well up for this, I’ve always known I’ve had talent, thank you Jon, you alright.”
O Sheas’ manager Sir Alex Ferguson quipped “I’m fully behind this academy. Jon has shown that there is a great deal of skill needed for sitting on the bench. In fact Jon’s seat is the only seat that doesn’t have a cushion at the old Trafford dugout; this shows the character of the player.”
At the star studded opening O Shea was joined by football pal and bench sitter Ade Akinbiyi. Ade profoundly claimed “There is an art to sitting on the bench. You have to sit for 90mins every Saturday and look interested. That’s why John earns the big squids, I’m in awe of him myself, and hopefully it’ll rub off on the kids”
Chubby five year Charlie Wilson was ecstatic to earn his place at the academy. Charlie speaking through his West Ham Fan Dad Charlie Snr Stated “I’m well up for this, I’ve always known I’ve had talent, thank you Jon, you alright.”
O Sheas’ manager Sir Alex Ferguson quipped “I’m fully behind this academy. Jon has shown that there is a great deal of skill needed for sitting on the bench. In fact Jon’s seat is the only seat that doesn’t have a cushion at the old Trafford dugout; this shows the character of the player.”
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Rapper to coach in the Premier League ?
According to reports surfacing from the UK the US rapper Eminem is in line to replace the first manager sacked this season in the Premier League. The hardcore no holds barred rapper responded “This would be an awesome gig for me. I’ve seen the premier league and the war of words that goes on between the managers. Sure I don’t know anything about Soccer but what I’ve seen it’s not about the game, it’s the after game press reports where the game is really won. Alex Feguson can burn in hell and Wegner and F#%& Off”
Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, in-line to be Eminem’s Number 2 added his views, “I’ll crush anybody in our way, I’ve been shot nine times, I’m sure I could destroy Mr Wegner and Ferguson.”
Former England International and part time rapper Ian Wright welcomed the idea “ These two lads have been on top of there game for along time now, they have taken on and defeated everybody in music circles, the premier managers would be nothing for them. I would come out of retirement to do a record with them”
No word yet on who the duo would sign but Fiddy did state “I like the look of that Davenport lad at West Ham, he is hardcore”
Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, in-line to be Eminem’s Number 2 added his views, “I’ll crush anybody in our way, I’ve been shot nine times, I’m sure I could destroy Mr Wegner and Ferguson.”
Former England International and part time rapper Ian Wright welcomed the idea “ These two lads have been on top of there game for along time now, they have taken on and defeated everybody in music circles, the premier managers would be nothing for them. I would come out of retirement to do a record with them”
No word yet on who the duo would sign but Fiddy did state “I like the look of that Davenport lad at West Ham, he is hardcore”
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Rugby League: Chris Brown begins new career
Chris Brown to play for the Melbourne Storm
Convicted domestic abuser and sometime R&B musician, Chris Brown, yesterday signed to play in Australia’s National Rugby League (NRL) competition with the Melbourne Storm.
While wearing the clubs famous purple jersey and posing next to fellow suspected domestic abuser and club star, Greg Inglis, Brown said:
“My music career is over because I horrifically assaulted my partner. However, that opened the door to play Rugby League. In Rugby League, domestic and sexual abuse are a part and parcel of the game, like tackling, scoring tries or binge drinking. I feel accepted already.”
Brown, who has never even seen a game of Rugby League, but was a noted schoolboy Basketballer, brings with a wealth of abuse experience.
“Read the police report and tell me I’m not suited for this game. Go on...fuckin read it or I’ll kill you bitches!!!???” He ranted while beating down on a journalist.
Storm CEO, Brian Waldron, welcomed Brown to the club saying:
“He raises the profile worldwide. He’ll put bums on seats and partners in hospital, and that is what this game is all about. We’re more than prepared to look the other way.”
Convicted domestic abuser and sometime R&B musician, Chris Brown, yesterday signed to play in Australia’s National Rugby League (NRL) competition with the Melbourne Storm.
While wearing the clubs famous purple jersey and posing next to fellow suspected domestic abuser and club star, Greg Inglis, Brown said:
“My music career is over because I horrifically assaulted my partner. However, that opened the door to play Rugby League. In Rugby League, domestic and sexual abuse are a part and parcel of the game, like tackling, scoring tries or binge drinking. I feel accepted already.”
Brown, who has never even seen a game of Rugby League, but was a noted schoolboy Basketballer, brings with a wealth of abuse experience.
“Read the police report and tell me I’m not suited for this game. Go on...fuckin read it or I’ll kill you bitches!!!???” He ranted while beating down on a journalist.
Storm CEO, Brian Waldron, welcomed Brown to the club saying:
“He raises the profile worldwide. He’ll put bums on seats and partners in hospital, and that is what this game is all about. We’re more than prepared to look the other way.”
Monday, 31 August 2009
Habana On The Move !
Bryan Habana has signed for Western Province in a move that has sent shockwaves through South African rugby circles. The speedster has bucked the trend of Boks who have signed for lucrative deals at overseas clubs. Province coach Rassie Erasmus states “We could have spent the money on youth development, but we decided to pump all our money into a deal for Habana”.
CEO of Western Province Stoffiel Van Makersville added “We have had success in the past in signing established stars, do you remember when we signed Small, Muir, Skinstad and Stransky from the Sharks. Yes it’s correct we never won anything, but I urge you to look at who are the real winners.
On his move Habana blasted “ It aint about the money, I’ve been a world cup winner, two times super 14 winner, Currie Cup winner and Tri-Nations winner, I now want to feel what it is like to be a loser. When you are a loser you find out what type of character you really are”
CEO of Western Province Stoffiel Van Makersville added “We have had success in the past in signing established stars, do you remember when we signed Small, Muir, Skinstad and Stransky from the Sharks. Yes it’s correct we never won anything, but I urge you to look at who are the real winners.
On his move Habana blasted “ It aint about the money, I’ve been a world cup winner, two times super 14 winner, Currie Cup winner and Tri-Nations winner, I now want to feel what it is like to be a loser. When you are a loser you find out what type of character you really are”
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Cricket: KP under the microscope
Kevin Pieterson to be gender tested
The ICC yesterday declared their intention to conduct a gender test on England star Kevin Pieterson.
ICC Chairperson David Morgan said, “We have had our doubts for a long time. Now is the time to act. His voice is too high pitched, his earring too feminine and his hair appears overly luxurious and bouncy. One would not want to cast aspersions but he is certainly less masculine than that South African 800m runner, Castor Semanya.”
An outraged Pieterson responded by threatening to plonk his balls on Morgan’s desk. He also threatened to “pull his hair and scratch him vigorously,” and if the test is not abandoned, “write bitchy comments of his Facebook and MySpace pages.”
Meanwhile, in a twist on the Castor Semanya case, the South African athlete has apparently plonked her balls on the desk of IAAF Chairperson Lamine Diack, and told him to “stick his medal up his arse.”
The enquiry into her gender continues in earnest.
The ICC yesterday declared their intention to conduct a gender test on England star Kevin Pieterson.
ICC Chairperson David Morgan said, “We have had our doubts for a long time. Now is the time to act. His voice is too high pitched, his earring too feminine and his hair appears overly luxurious and bouncy. One would not want to cast aspersions but he is certainly less masculine than that South African 800m runner, Castor Semanya.”
An outraged Pieterson responded by threatening to plonk his balls on Morgan’s desk. He also threatened to “pull his hair and scratch him vigorously,” and if the test is not abandoned, “write bitchy comments of his Facebook and MySpace pages.”
Meanwhile, in a twist on the Castor Semanya case, the South African athlete has apparently plonked her balls on the desk of IAAF Chairperson Lamine Diack, and told him to “stick his medal up his arse.”
The enquiry into her gender continues in earnest.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Rugby Union: Tri Nations Special
The Wallabies Give Up
In a move that will come as no surprise to Rugby Union fans, the Wallabies have decided to call it a day.
“I wish to announce that the Wallabies are no more,” said ARU President John O’Neil. “The players and I have decided that we’re tired of losing to the All Blacks and Springboks, and so we’re just going to quit.”
NZRU Chairman John Sturgeon welcomed the decision saying:
“We put a pretty bloody ordinary team on the paddock the other night, and were utter crap, but still managed to beat the convicts on their home turf. They’re doing the right thing, rather now than a loss to England at home.”
SARU President Oregan Hoskins agreed, but added, “What we’ll miss most about Australian Rugby is their fair assessment and unbiased commentary during the game. I mean, who’s going to tell how boring we are as we beat them by 15 points or more now? We’ll also sorely lament the passing of their illegal scrimmaging technique.”
Wallaby captain, George Smith, said it was a sad day but that “we should have chucked it in after the World Cup.”
Meanwhile the search is on for a replacement for the Wallabies in the Tri-Nations. Both Hoskins and Sturgeon have mooted the idea of an idol type contest involving the singling and Rugby talents of a number of smaller nations. Hoskins shopped short of agreeing to a swimwear component however.
In a move that will come as no surprise to Rugby Union fans, the Wallabies have decided to call it a day.
“I wish to announce that the Wallabies are no more,” said ARU President John O’Neil. “The players and I have decided that we’re tired of losing to the All Blacks and Springboks, and so we’re just going to quit.”
NZRU Chairman John Sturgeon welcomed the decision saying:
“We put a pretty bloody ordinary team on the paddock the other night, and were utter crap, but still managed to beat the convicts on their home turf. They’re doing the right thing, rather now than a loss to England at home.”
SARU President Oregan Hoskins agreed, but added, “What we’ll miss most about Australian Rugby is their fair assessment and unbiased commentary during the game. I mean, who’s going to tell how boring we are as we beat them by 15 points or more now? We’ll also sorely lament the passing of their illegal scrimmaging technique.”
Wallaby captain, George Smith, said it was a sad day but that “we should have chucked it in after the World Cup.”
Meanwhile the search is on for a replacement for the Wallabies in the Tri-Nations. Both Hoskins and Sturgeon have mooted the idea of an idol type contest involving the singling and Rugby talents of a number of smaller nations. Hoskins shopped short of agreeing to a swimwear component however.
EPL Latest
Owen: “I’m concentrating on goals”
Manchester United’s former England hero, Michael Owen, has stated that his ambition at the club is to score goals.
“During my time in Madrid and Newcastle, I concentrated mainly on getting injured and not being fit. I worked especially hard at sending the Magpies spiralling into crippling debt and relegation. So yes, I regard my time there as a success of sorts.”
However, since arriving at Old Trafford, Owen’s focus has been on scoring goals.
“United are a mega wealthy club, I couldn’t waste their money even if cut my own leg off with a rusty spoon or spent it on coke and hookers, so I’ve decided to try and actually score goals. Like I did at Liverpool. When I still had talent.”
United manager, Sir Alex Fergusson agrees that Owen should focus on scoring goals.
“We signed him to score goals not waste our time or money. For that we have Alex, Park Ji Sung and Michael Carrick,” he stated.
Manchester United’s former England hero, Michael Owen, has stated that his ambition at the club is to score goals.
“During my time in Madrid and Newcastle, I concentrated mainly on getting injured and not being fit. I worked especially hard at sending the Magpies spiralling into crippling debt and relegation. So yes, I regard my time there as a success of sorts.”
However, since arriving at Old Trafford, Owen’s focus has been on scoring goals.
“United are a mega wealthy club, I couldn’t waste their money even if cut my own leg off with a rusty spoon or spent it on coke and hookers, so I’ve decided to try and actually score goals. Like I did at Liverpool. When I still had talent.”
United manager, Sir Alex Fergusson agrees that Owen should focus on scoring goals.
“We signed him to score goals not waste our time or money. For that we have Alex, Park Ji Sung and Michael Carrick,” he stated.
Is she a man ?
Controversy rained supreme in the IAAF World championships when 800m winner Caster Semenya was accused of not been a female. Tests are been carried out and results will be out shortly. Amazingly this story will just not go away. Semenya herself seems unfazed by the controversy boldly stating at a press conference on her arrival back in JHB '' I am Sasha Fierce''.
Former Irish international rugby player now turned semi rubbish talk show radio host John Robbie aired his views on his Morning talk show, at 9.30 am Robbie quipped '' Lets sort this once and for all, if she has tits and a vagina, then in my eyes she is a women''. Robbie interviewed Semenya on her arrival back in the country, when asked what kept her going at the world champs Semenya said '' I listened to many Beyonce Knowles in my IPod''. Robbie then promptly played Beyonce's number one hit If I was a boy number.
Former Irish international rugby player now turned semi rubbish talk show radio host John Robbie aired his views on his Morning talk show, at 9.30 am Robbie quipped '' Lets sort this once and for all, if she has tits and a vagina, then in my eyes she is a women''. Robbie interviewed Semenya on her arrival back in the country, when asked what kept her going at the world champs Semenya said '' I listened to many Beyonce Knowles in my IPod''. Robbie then promptly played Beyonce's number one hit If I was a boy number.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
World Sport: Codes at War
AFL admit: “Our game is confusing and strange”
AFL officials have finally admitted what many outside of Victoria have long suspected, that the game is confusing and strange to the uninitiated.
In a statement issued to the press, AFL spokesperson Angela Dukakis said, “Our game has traditionally led the way in terms of confusion and bewilderment for those unversed in the rules. Despite attempts by Rugby Union to make their game nonsensical and incomprehensible, we plan to remain innovative in our attempts to confuse the public.”
The IRB hit back strongly by saying “No other code has made more rule changes or has been less adept at enforcing them, than Rugby. We will continue to make Rugby dull and boring until the day that even the Welsh and South African’s would rather watch soccer.”
Meanwhile, in the US, NFL officials have suggested that their game is “both perplexing and dreary,” and that other codes just cannot compete with their mind-numbing marathons.
“In what other football code do cameras spend more time on the coach that on actual play? People from all over the world ask me all time ‘what the heck is going on?’ If you like you action repetitive, stagnant and confusing, then Gridiron is the game for you!”
AFL officials have finally admitted what many outside of Victoria have long suspected, that the game is confusing and strange to the uninitiated.
In a statement issued to the press, AFL spokesperson Angela Dukakis said, “Our game has traditionally led the way in terms of confusion and bewilderment for those unversed in the rules. Despite attempts by Rugby Union to make their game nonsensical and incomprehensible, we plan to remain innovative in our attempts to confuse the public.”
The IRB hit back strongly by saying “No other code has made more rule changes or has been less adept at enforcing them, than Rugby. We will continue to make Rugby dull and boring until the day that even the Welsh and South African’s would rather watch soccer.”
Meanwhile, in the US, NFL officials have suggested that their game is “both perplexing and dreary,” and that other codes just cannot compete with their mind-numbing marathons.
“In what other football code do cameras spend more time on the coach that on actual play? People from all over the world ask me all time ‘what the heck is going on?’ If you like you action repetitive, stagnant and confusing, then Gridiron is the game for you!”
Saturday, 15 August 2009
EPL: United worried?
Benitez claims Fergie is worried about City
The mind games in the English Premeir League are well underway. Liverpool task master Raffa Benitez insists that Manchester United will not win the league because they are too worried about big spending Manchester City. Benitez mused '' There is many talk around Manchester City, they have spent well, I'm not suprised Mr Ferguson is worried. He should be worried about us we have not spent well." Mr Benitez further added '' They lost Ronoldo they have not replaced him, we lost Alonso, we replaced him with 17 million pound Glen Johnson, if I was Mr Ferguson I would be a worried man.''
Media pundit Stanley Colleymore quipped ''This season is going to be one of the best so far in its history, she will do a great job as an idol judge''. When pushed for a Premeir League Winner this season Colleymore blasted '' It has to be Chelsea, there must be a reason Jonno and Lamps stayed, and I believe that reason is, because they are winners'."
GG
The mind games in the English Premeir League are well underway. Liverpool task master Raffa Benitez insists that Manchester United will not win the league because they are too worried about big spending Manchester City. Benitez mused '' There is many talk around Manchester City, they have spent well, I'm not suprised Mr Ferguson is worried. He should be worried about us we have not spent well." Mr Benitez further added '' They lost Ronoldo they have not replaced him, we lost Alonso, we replaced him with 17 million pound Glen Johnson, if I was Mr Ferguson I would be a worried man.''
Media pundit Stanley Colleymore quipped ''This season is going to be one of the best so far in its history, she will do a great job as an idol judge''. When pushed for a Premeir League Winner this season Colleymore blasted '' It has to be Chelsea, there must be a reason Jonno and Lamps stayed, and I believe that reason is, because they are winners'."
GG
Rugby Union
Springboks Justice 4
The South African Rugby Union has stated that it would back its decision that allowed the players to wear white armbands to protest against giant lock Bakkies Botha suspension for a shoulder into the ruck.
Australian fly-half Matt Giteau has come out in support of the Boks decision. Giteau told reporters ‘’ The boks are a physical side and I back the decision to stand firm, I personally like to use the strong arm of the law to get my point across’’
Springbok coach Pieter De Villers once again threw his support behind his players by saying ‘’ Rugby is a game of brutality and skill, out on the field its war, but ag after the game it’s ok, the powers that be must not ban the physicality in the game, or else we might get our first gay player’’
In other news former wallaby wing Clyde Rathbone has retired from international rugby.
GG
The South African Rugby Union has stated that it would back its decision that allowed the players to wear white armbands to protest against giant lock Bakkies Botha suspension for a shoulder into the ruck.
Australian fly-half Matt Giteau has come out in support of the Boks decision. Giteau told reporters ‘’ The boks are a physical side and I back the decision to stand firm, I personally like to use the strong arm of the law to get my point across’’
Springbok coach Pieter De Villers once again threw his support behind his players by saying ‘’ Rugby is a game of brutality and skill, out on the field its war, but ag after the game it’s ok, the powers that be must not ban the physicality in the game, or else we might get our first gay player’’
In other news former wallaby wing Clyde Rathbone has retired from international rugby.
GG
Thursday, 13 August 2009
NRL: Nefarious and socially deviant activities
Manly cancel planned sexual assault crawl
Many Sea Eagles today announced the cancelation of a planned sexual assault crawl that was due to take place on the traditional ‘Mad Monday’ celebration.
“We not ruling it out altogether,” said Manly Captain, Matt Orford, “but we’re just going to have an assault and battery crawl instead. We think we might save the sexual assault crawl for our pre-season get together next year,” he continued.
Shocked defence lawyers from Sydney’s northern suburbs are asking for a please explain from the NRL club.
“Last year, the mad Monday celebrations of the Cronulla Sharks and Manly Sea Eagles helped me buy me a new house and school my children at exclusive private schools. If they don’t get arrested this year I may have to postpone buying a luxury yacht,” said a disappointed David Farewell of Farewell, Coombs and Jones.
Chairman of the NRL, David Gallop, said an immediate investigation will be launched into the club’s decision.
“We can’t have NRL teams not fulfilling their yearly sexual assault quota. Admittedly, Brett Stewart did his best to shoulder the load but it is time some other Manly players to engage in nefarious and socially deviant activities, and the sexual assault crawl was the perfect opportunity,” he added before departing to supervise a Cronulla team bonding session that involved online group sex.
Many Sea Eagles today announced the cancelation of a planned sexual assault crawl that was due to take place on the traditional ‘Mad Monday’ celebration.
“We not ruling it out altogether,” said Manly Captain, Matt Orford, “but we’re just going to have an assault and battery crawl instead. We think we might save the sexual assault crawl for our pre-season get together next year,” he continued.
Shocked defence lawyers from Sydney’s northern suburbs are asking for a please explain from the NRL club.
“Last year, the mad Monday celebrations of the Cronulla Sharks and Manly Sea Eagles helped me buy me a new house and school my children at exclusive private schools. If they don’t get arrested this year I may have to postpone buying a luxury yacht,” said a disappointed David Farewell of Farewell, Coombs and Jones.
Chairman of the NRL, David Gallop, said an immediate investigation will be launched into the club’s decision.
“We can’t have NRL teams not fulfilling their yearly sexual assault quota. Admittedly, Brett Stewart did his best to shoulder the load but it is time some other Manly players to engage in nefarious and socially deviant activities, and the sexual assault crawl was the perfect opportunity,” he added before departing to supervise a Cronulla team bonding session that involved online group sex.
EPL: Man City purchase new players
Manchester City buys Fevela
In an attempt to further boost their playing stocks, Manchester City yesterday announced that they have bought an entire Brazilian slum.
Manager, Mark Hughes, declared “This is great for the club. We actually thought that we were buying a left-back called Fevela, but instead we bought an entire slum just north of Sao Paulo. We’re bound to get at least one decent player from it, so as far as we’re concerned it’s money well spent.”
City fans agree, with long time fan Noel Reddy stating that “In buying a Fevela, other teams will finally recognise our ambition. With a squad of about 2 million Brazilians, injuries won’t be a concern either.”
Fevela resident, Jose, who lost his leg after being shot by rival drug dealers, was overjoyed at the news that he was now owned by a wealthy Arab group. “This is terrific,” he said while cleaning his AK-47, “I can now finally realise my dream to play professional football. I cannot wait to start training.” Jose said he expect a tough challenge from Gareth Barry for the defensive-midfielder role but was sure his talent would see him hold down a first team spot.
In an attempt to further boost their playing stocks, Manchester City yesterday announced that they have bought an entire Brazilian slum.
Manager, Mark Hughes, declared “This is great for the club. We actually thought that we were buying a left-back called Fevela, but instead we bought an entire slum just north of Sao Paulo. We’re bound to get at least one decent player from it, so as far as we’re concerned it’s money well spent.”
City fans agree, with long time fan Noel Reddy stating that “In buying a Fevela, other teams will finally recognise our ambition. With a squad of about 2 million Brazilians, injuries won’t be a concern either.”
Fevela resident, Jose, who lost his leg after being shot by rival drug dealers, was overjoyed at the news that he was now owned by a wealthy Arab group. “This is terrific,” he said while cleaning his AK-47, “I can now finally realise my dream to play professional football. I cannot wait to start training.” Jose said he expect a tough challenge from Gareth Barry for the defensive-midfielder role but was sure his talent would see him hold down a first team spot.
Ashes Cricket
England: “Total capitulation just part of the plan”
Under fire England Captain Andrew Strauss today defended his teams meek capitulation at the hands of the Australians in the forth test at Headingly, stating that “total capitulation is just part of the overall plan.”
“If you look back at England’s recent cricket history, you’ll see that many English teams have capitulated totally in the face of an Aussie onslaught. It’s nothing new. It’s an effective way of lulling the convicts into a false sense of security. We were even better at it the last time we toured down under,” he added.
Former captains Michael Atherton and Michael Vaughn agree: “We’re the best in the world at crumbling in a heap when playing Australia, so why not use it to our advantage?” Vaughn said, while Atherton added, “True; no one does batting collapses quite like the English. It is part of our psyche. We should be proud of our heritage.”
The Barmy Army agree, with one member, wearing Union Jack boxer shorts and a rubber Queen mask saying, “We pay good money to see England disintegrate in the face of halfway decent bowling. There is nowt worse than leaving the grounds after an English win. It’s just not cricket.”
Strauss predicted that he could see an even greater batting collapse in the fifth test at the Oval, stating “I doubt we’ll make fifty. The fans will love it.”
Under fire England Captain Andrew Strauss today defended his teams meek capitulation at the hands of the Australians in the forth test at Headingly, stating that “total capitulation is just part of the overall plan.”
“If you look back at England’s recent cricket history, you’ll see that many English teams have capitulated totally in the face of an Aussie onslaught. It’s nothing new. It’s an effective way of lulling the convicts into a false sense of security. We were even better at it the last time we toured down under,” he added.
Former captains Michael Atherton and Michael Vaughn agree: “We’re the best in the world at crumbling in a heap when playing Australia, so why not use it to our advantage?” Vaughn said, while Atherton added, “True; no one does batting collapses quite like the English. It is part of our psyche. We should be proud of our heritage.”
The Barmy Army agree, with one member, wearing Union Jack boxer shorts and a rubber Queen mask saying, “We pay good money to see England disintegrate in the face of halfway decent bowling. There is nowt worse than leaving the grounds after an English win. It’s just not cricket.”
Strauss predicted that he could see an even greater batting collapse in the fifth test at the Oval, stating “I doubt we’ll make fifty. The fans will love it.”
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