Ashes Cricket

England: “Total capitulation just part of the plan”

Under fire England Captain Andrew Strauss today defended his teams meek capitulation at the hands of the Australians in the forth test at Headingly, stating that “total capitulation is just part of the overall plan.”

“If you look back at England’s recent cricket history, you’ll see that many English teams have capitulated totally in the face of an Aussie onslaught. It’s nothing new. It’s an effective way of lulling the convicts into a false sense of security. We were even better at it the last time we toured down under,” he added.

Former captains Michael Atherton and Michael Vaughn agree: “We’re the best in the world at crumbling in a heap when playing Australia, so why not use it to our advantage?” Vaughn said, while Atherton added, “True; no one does batting collapses quite like the English. It is part of our psyche. We should be proud of our heritage.”

The Barmy Army agree, with one member, wearing Union Jack boxer shorts and a rubber Queen mask saying, “We pay good money to see England disintegrate in the face of halfway decent bowling. There is nowt worse than leaving the grounds after an English win. It’s just not cricket.”

Strauss predicted that he could see an even greater batting collapse in the fifth test at the Oval, stating “I doubt we’ll make fifty. The fans will love it.”