Manly cancel planned sexual assault crawl
Many Sea Eagles today announced the cancelation of a planned sexual assault crawl that was due to take place on the traditional ‘Mad Monday’ celebration.
“We not ruling it out altogether,” said Manly Captain, Matt Orford, “but we’re just going to have an assault and battery crawl instead. We think we might save the sexual assault crawl for our pre-season get together next year,” he continued.
Shocked defence lawyers from Sydney’s northern suburbs are asking for a please explain from the NRL club.
“Last year, the mad Monday celebrations of the Cronulla Sharks and Manly Sea Eagles helped me buy me a new house and school my children at exclusive private schools. If they don’t get arrested this year I may have to postpone buying a luxury yacht,” said a disappointed David Farewell of Farewell, Coombs and Jones.
Chairman of the NRL, David Gallop, said an immediate investigation will be launched into the club’s decision.
“We can’t have NRL teams not fulfilling their yearly sexual assault quota. Admittedly, Brett Stewart did his best to shoulder the load but it is time some other Manly players to engage in nefarious and socially deviant activities, and the sexual assault crawl was the perfect opportunity,” he added before departing to supervise a Cronulla team bonding session that involved online group sex.
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